Agentdelaware's Musings, Ponderings, and Rants

Okay, so I haven't posted in quite some time. There is a reason for that (a.k.a. my last post.) I'll try to write something soon...

The problem with LJ: we all think we are so close, but really we know nothing about one another. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away.

Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don't know about you.

Now, I'm nowhere as sick as some people I can name at the moment, but still. Ugh. I hate feeling weak and like I've just been beat by fifteen bats. The inability to walk for long (due to my ankle/knee fail) doesn't help matters either. And on top of that, I couldn't find my normal pajama trousers and have been reduced to wearing the cutesy penguin pajamas gifted to me last Christmas. I feel like I'm five. Stupid pajamas? Check. Bed? Check. Keeping myself hydrated and nearly falling while doing so? Check. Fuck. *headdesk*

But the fever is almost broken, the headache isn't too bad, the blankets are cozy, and my tea's the perfect temperature. I'm just whinging, really.

Meme taken from the lovely and wonderful ceirdwenfc, who gave me five words she associated with me. If you'd like some words, comment and I'll be happy to give you some. Then, post in your journal explaining those words.
( Meme under cut )
That was fantastically fun! Anyone want some words?

Heya, LJers.

I've been a bit stuck for something to write recently, but I know you all are veritable wellsprings of ideas. I know I've only ever posted in an HP subfandom over here, and I'll get around to writing out my fandom list someday, but I think I'll stick around HP for now. Actually, just for fun, let's throw in Doctor Who, Torchwood, and anything set up through season 3 of Stargate SG1. (Book fandoms would take too long to add, really.) So if you have anything you'd wanted to see written, let me know, please?

Also, this song is absolutely gorgeous. You should go listen to it.

Thank you muchly!

-- AD

Wow. Next week is officially back-to-school. There's a large part of me screaming and kicking my heels, but I know that it's a necessary evil if I want to exponentially increase my chances at doing well in life. So, in part to calm my nerves and in part just for the fun of it, I'm going to recap my summer.
( General Overview )
( Most Eventful Incidents )

( Top Music )
( Top Books )
( Top Movies )
( Top New Characters )

( Top Reccs )

Pointless? Maybe. Still, I enjoyed typing that up. Granted, that doesn't even begin to cover all that happened, but even so. Here's to hoping you enjoyed as well.

It's odd. For the first time ever, really, I genuinely really wish I had a friend around just to talk with. I mean, of course I like talking with friends and I'll occasionally get a bit pouty if they aren't available or haven't called/written in a few weeks, but I usually don't feel lonely. Well, not so much lonely as just... wanting to chat, discuss, and whathaveyou. You know, I blame LJ for this - it's much easier to find people I want to talk to around here.

But anyway, meme.

( Five things I like/dislike starting with the letter 'L' under cut! )

Let me start off by saying that the cupcakes were wonderful. Delicious those.

For those of you not on my flist, today I went to a sort of cupcake festival in downtown Boise. (There was one going on in Belfast today too, apparently!) There were some very gorgeous and delectable cupcakes. I didn't enter any of my own, due to last minute notice. Here are some pictures!  They aren't that great, as my camera sucks, but they're something. The sign fail nearly killed me!

I've also been watching Doctor Who the last few days. Is it bad that I actually gasped in delight at the correct use of the word "decimate?" Heh.

In other news, the crackers remain safe, the invisibility shield seems to be working a bit too well, and the ice tea is neatly labeled. Now if you'll excuse me, it's a lovely night out and it won't be long before I'm anxiously refreshing in wait for AP 20 over on daydverse ! Yay!

So I'm fired up and wanting to smack some people upside the head. Instead, and because I can't get in touch with anyone who'd understand what I'm ranting about, I'm going to do this meme.

( The five things that'll have me hitting the back button fastest )

Well, that was fun! Anyone have any other good ones?

I know, I know. You're thinking "Actually, AD, I'm here for your wit and rants!" (Yeah, right) or "I'm looking for fic, something you're sorely lacking in!" or "But I've just stumbled over your journal!" Oh well. Continue on if you wish, but this is the post in which AD illustrates why she doesn't really show off her drawings. But I said there would likely be art, so...

Okay, so I just started sketching and here's how it turned out. I can't say I'm too happy with it, because the build and facial features are off (many, many more hours of study are needed here.), but I had fun with the jacket and hair, so I guess it's okay. Trust me, he's more awesome in writing than in art... especially my art.



But AD, you say, you... really can't draw. Well, no, not all that well. Some of my things turn out okay, but there's a reason I say I'm a writer, not an artist. Just to prove why, here are a few other things. You can find them here.

And an attempt at profile (with shading!)

And what happens when I try anything with color.

See? That's why.

Yup. Fail. Which is why I'll be sticking with fic from now on.

( Emotional abuse is still abuse. And abuse, children, is not nice. )

I'm very sorry if anyone finds themselves offended, but it's not directed at anyone in particular. *Sighs.* It's a bit of a hot button issue for me.

-- AD

So things have been odd lately.

On the bad side:

- Still on the three weeks of fail. No, really. Including the near breakdown and cringing over dishsoap.

- Major back pain (crying and swearing worthy. No idea how I'll sleep tonight...), moderate rib, knee, and hip pain, and my feet and ankles are fucked to high heaven. No, really, ~1.5 mile walk and they're bright red, aching, and painful.

- I think I've managed to screw up my relationship, though I'm waiting for advice on that. Not that it'd be all bad, but... Ugh, I dunno. See? Advice needed.

- Other than a piece of chicken the night before last, I've been relying on sugar and carbs to keep me running.

On the good side: 

- I think I may have semi-repaired a friendship today. Is much yay.

- Things are looking up in general - I have hope, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, etc.

- Faith. That is all that needs be said. <3

On the other hand... ASKFDING MOTHER OF-!! My back!

Excuse me, I'm going to go die in painfulness now.

I've been a bit busy lately. And by busy, I mean nearly three weeks of consecutive issues (ick!). It all came to a head the night before last with a very un-awesome panic attack. I hate those freakin' things. I now feel like an awful person for keeping A up on the phone from 2:30 in the morning until 10:30 in the morning.

So, anyway, I finally hit the adreneline crash and went to bed. Woke up seven hours later to a very not happy mother who wanted to know why the hell I was up at three in the morning. I told her it was a panic attack (What the hell is a panic attack?!), no A hadn't caused it, no it wasn't about the boyfriend, yes A was helping of his own free will, and yes, I'm going to bed early because I feel like I've been hit in the head several times with my brother's school bag (yes, this has happened before.)

Stayed up about seven or so hours then went back to bed. I didn't wake up until about twelve hours later. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat, drink so orange juice (yum!), and find something stomachable for breakfast.

... But <3 for God. Because while He may work in mysterious and aggravating ways, He also makes sure that things work out perfectly.

I now understand how people can have over one hundred of them. Obviously, the wings are still my default, but I do have so really cool new ones. Horray!

... No, I'm totally normal, what are you talking about?

But, alas, I do not function as such. On the plus side, I suppose, the kitchen is cleaned up (including the floor! Though, considering my knee issues, crawling around with a sponge on the floor may not have been smart either.) Clean kitchens are good... and mean that I can eat again! (Though I haven't, really...)

At the moment it's just me and the kitties, which is very, very lovely. And, of course, the music. I'm not a huge blues fan, but this song... It's so interesting - it's Irish/Indian and yes, it is as odd as it sounds. Isn't it facsinating? It almost reminds me of another folk-ish song, which is a little bit more odd. It's rather odd, isn't it? So, yes, music oddness.

I am feeling better today (frayed at the edges rather than in pieces), though I have had to explain things to slightly concerned RL friends. *sigh* Writing. Yes, there will be writing at some point. I have no idea when.

Though my social skills are worse than those of a cantalope, I may end up chatting with someone tonight. That's a good thing, I think?

People who mess up children out of pure stupidity are morons. People who know they should not have children (and have nature working against them!) and have them anyway are complete. F-ing. Morons.

My childhood mantra was "at least I'm not living in a cubbord under the stairs." I have since learned that there are worse things - at least the closet was his.

At the moment, my mother and brother are fighting (that boy... I swear he was born to be a con-man.), my laptop (containing almost all of my music and files not backed up on my flash drive) will not read the driver, I managed to annoy the only person who might have cared about my oh so tragic circumstances, and, oh, yes, I'm leaving for the land of limited internet and no MS Word for nine days - not to mention the family.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should create an imaginary friend. Books are lovely, but they don't talk back. FML. Just... FML.

'Twould be very nice to get a phone call tonight. But, alas, alack, and woe... that's not going to happen. On that note, brain chemistry imbalance? Unpleasant. I do not like being an angry, depressed jerk. I like being a rational, pleasantly cynical jerk.

I don't mind holidays. We have a love hate relationship. Love the free time, hate the social pleasantries (My word, people, 'tis not hard to see that I would prefer to be left alone!). Christmas, especially - love the idea, love the Jesus, love the love... hate the posturing, hate the falsness, and hate the relatives.

That aside, there are a few holidays I wish would just ignore me. Those being the Fourth of July and New Year's. Why? Well, other than the "OMG PARTY OBLIGATION" and "No, you can't hide in your room, you will be social and you will like it," there are fireworks. Oh, yes, they're pretty, sparklers are the best part of being a Harry Potter fan, and you get to watch morons set themselves on fire. Lovely.

However... I read books. Lots of books. I write, and I write military/paramilitary characters. I have this lovely talent of getting inside their heads and living everything they have. Yes, everything. So if Johnny McSoldier has been shot, been in a firefight, been in an explosion, I've lived it, at least on some level. Lound noises remind Johnny of war. Loud noises remind me of the same. Loud, sudden explosions accompanied by bursts of light (or even not) make me either 1) jump, 2) freeze up, or 3) duck for cover and quite possible panic.

It's not funny. It's not pretty. AD really, really does not like this holiday. It makes AD want to curl up in her bed and cry all day. It wears on AD's nerves and she's too hyperaware to actually sleep. It should also be noted that you should never, ever, let AD drive on 4th/NY's nights - I am distracted, disoriented, and 20 miles an hour feels more like 35.

AD could use some love and cuddling and reassurance. Unfortunately, the only person allowed to cuddle AD on a regular basis is out of town and wouldn't be around anyway due to a love for all things shiny and destructive. AD will likely not go to church in the morning because those askfding people like hugging AD from behind and I refuse to have a panic attack at church again. Apparently the hyperventilating, tears, and flipping out are not obvious tip offs. (AD also types in third person when upset because she's freakin' weird like that, if you hadn't noticed.)

On another, more pleasant note!

I finished Ariadne's Thread, the follow up to Wax Wings over on daydverse. Maybe not that impressive, but I put a hella lot of time and effort into that story and I, for one, think I actually managed to do somethign almost right for once. This, of course, has nothing to do with getting writer love from my best writing friend, though I've come to expect it and it's only on Important Stories that it bugs me.

And on less...

My laptop is broken. Brokeded. It will not go past the startup screen. I get BSOD'd and kicked off. I am going off to the land of mandatory relative visits and no internet in five days and if I do not have my computer, I will cry. I will sob with all the power of a stranded, hormonal teenage girl and then I will bewail my lack of anything to do. Or I will read. While crying. Simultaneously. Why?

Because my relatives and I do not get along. My aunt is, in the kindest description, a bitch (ever heard of a feckin' self fulfilling prophacy? No feckin' duh your son will end up like his dad if his dad's the only one who shows him any affection), my grandma's just as bad, my father and I... well, let's say we don't always agree, etc., etc. And, oh, yes, there will be nine days of "AD, you are a horrible, awful person and are arrogant and should be nicer and spend more time with us and be more social and what the heck is wrong with you, child?"

Anyway. Sory about the rant - I'm tired but can't sleep and this seemed as good a time as any to express my feelings on these matters.

... I still need a hug. Verbal or otherwise...

There was no doubt in Seamus' mind that he loved children. Cecily held a place in his heart dear as any of the DA and even with the sentence still in place, he'd do his damnedest be a proper father for her. 'Twas the least he could do, after all - for her, for her mam, for her da as well.

But a child of his own? Oh, but a child of his own. How would he raise a son (Because but for the lingering doubt, he could not but agree with those who said the child would be his son?)Aye, there was telling to be done in days in the future, but what to say? What to do even, about the future so far ahead? By the time he would be done with his sentence, his son would soon be heading off for Hogwarts and all that lay in store.

But underneath, oh, underneath, lay an even deeper fear. What if he were to be like his own father? He knew from his mam that his da'd been as pleased as any 'afore Seamus was born. But unlike Neville (whose da was more of a prisoner than even he) or Harry (who'd never know his da), he knew that there were things that could make a man leave his own wife and children.

And knowing his love for his son, not yet born, he could not even contemplate leaving him, not for the world nor freedom. So what then, he wondered, had caused his own father such hatred and lead him to such betrayal?

... Worse yet, what horrors yet unseen could tempt him to do the same? What could make him even consider leaving his family? None that he could think of, but oh, there was something that had never crossed his mind. And what if he made the wrong choice when it came down to the line?

Yet when he held his son - his son! - in his arms for the first time, he felt that there was nothing that could possibly make him give up his family. And he knew that it was but pride and force of will that kept him from crying - how, how could Patrick Finnigan have hated his own family so? - but...

But for now, life was a miracle and his own tiny son, his Thomas, was that miracle. It almost made his demons worth it. No, he thought, as Cecily tugged at his trouser leg, begging to see, it was worth it.