Agentdelaware's Musings, Ponderings, and Rants

Meme!

2009-10-21T22:46:15Z

Okay, so I haven't posted in quite some time. There is a reason for that (a.k.a. my last post.) I'll try to write something soon...

The problem with LJ: we all think we are so close, but really we know nothing about one another. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away.

Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don't know about you.

I hate being ill...

2009-09-22T17:02:32Z

Now, I'm nowhere as sick as some people I can name at the moment, but still. Ugh. I hate feeling weak and like I've just been beat by fifteen bats. The inability to walk for long (due to my ankle/knee fail) doesn't help matters either. And on top of that, I couldn't find my normal pajama trousers and have been reduced to wearing the cutesy penguin pajamas gifted to me last Christmas. I feel like I'm five. Stupid pajamas? Check. Bed? Check. Keeping myself hydrated and nearly falling while doing so? Check. Fuck. *headdesk*

But the fever is almost broken, the headache isn't too bad, the blankets are cozy, and my tea's the perfect temperature. I'm just whinging, really.

Words meme!

2009-09-03T01:45:13Z

Meme taken from the lovely and wonderful ceirdwenfc, who gave me five words she associated with me. If you'd like some words, comment and I'll be happy to give you some. Then, post in your journal explaining those words.

ChatRoom of Requirement - RoR! Oh, how I love the RoR. So one night, The commander (thanfiction) got bored and opened up a chatroom for daydians titled the Room of Requirement. Well, the next day, some of us were quoting PWF at each other and I figured we should move it off twitter. Since then, I have somehow become the sometime mod for the RoR, in charge of opening the room, etc. The RoR consumes your nights, but, OH! It's so fabulous and just full of love, crack, and Butterbeer Extra. Oh, and zombie threesomes.

Daydverse - I stumbled across DAYD in March and fell in love. I then stumbled across daydverse and haven't left since. I love the writing and I absolutely adore the people - I have never met better people than the daydians. Let's see, what else... I'll admit, it's taken over my life a little (the fact that I've been dubbed the Official Icarus Expert should say something), but I'm really okay with that. I've a lot of fun writing there and really feel proud to know all of you over there.

School - Ah, school. Stick around long enough and you'll be treated to one of my education rants. I hate my biology teacher and can't stand classmate stupidity. Um, that's about it, really. I complain muchly though. Trust me, where I'm from, education deserves your scorn.

Baking - I love to bake and all extensions there of. I bake pumpkin bread, ginger cookies, other types of cookies, brownies, cakes, and so on. Heck, I even baked a cake for the daydverse Open Book Contest. I also elaborately decorate sugar cookies (I did Chinese zodiac ones, once. They were lovely.). I bake for stress relief and pleasure. It's homey, nice, tasty, and just very... timeless. I enjoy it, even when I need to wear my shoes to do so.

Writing/Art - First and foremost, I'm a writer. I really enjoy writing and I love putting all the little details together into one story. I've been writing ever since first grade and haven't looked back. I do more fanfic than original fic, just because I have so little confidence in myself and my universe building. Still, my daydian friends are slowly building up my faith in my ability, so I'm excited to see where that goes. I also draw for fun, though I'm horrible at it. Usually I only post my art (to find...) on daydverse, except for one sketch that goes with my crackfic. Hey, it's my life.
That was fantastically fun! Anyone want some words?

Writing prompts?

2009-08-28T03:55:48Z

Heya, LJers.

I've been a bit stuck for something to write recently, but I know you all are veritable wellsprings of ideas. I know I've only ever posted in an HP subfandom over here, and I'll get around to writing out my fandom list someday, but I think I'll stick around HP for now. Actually, just for fun, let's throw in Doctor Who, Torchwood, and anything set up through season 3 of Stargate SG1. (Book fandoms would take too long to add, really.) So if you have anything you'd wanted to see written, let me know, please?

Also, this song is absolutely gorgeous. You should go listen to it.

Thank you muchly!

-- AD

From the laptop of AD - the summer in review

2009-08-24T19:01:59Z

Wow. Next week is officially back-to-school. There's a large part of me screaming and kicking my heels, but I know that it's a necessary evil if I want to exponentially increase my chances at doing well in life. So, in part to calm my nerves and in part just for the fun of it, I'm going to recap my summer.

General overview:

1. June - This month started with a trip to Durango, CO literally the day after school got out. Thankfully, I had a ton of books, my computer, and my music collection, so it wasn't as awful as it could have been... even if I did get sunburned. Spent most of the rest of the month baking and kicking about daydverse. Did a bit of writing here and there, but nothing too fabulous.

2. July - Fail!month! Visiting family, panic attacks, and general emotional wreckage. And on top of that, my computer crashed, which was very sad - I'll expound on this later. However, there was HBP (I'll get around to reviewing it eventually, really), more baking (including my DA cake, which was tasty, if lopsided), and better writing than I've done in a long time. Amazing what a touch of self-esteem can do, isn't it? Overall, though... it was a kind of cruddy month.

3. August - Half fail and half desperately clinging to freedom. Finally got my computer fixed (the hard-drive had crashed) and lost all of my music/pictures, though I thankfully had my writing files backed up. Still made me sad. Lots of housecleaning and less baking... something to add to my to-do list again. My brother got back into town and that's been a disaster. I can take a lot, but I don't take well to being blamed for his laziness and I most certainly do not appreciate being told to "go suck a dick." Needless to say, things could be better between us. School schedule is also fail and I do think it'll be an interesting year, if only because my stupidity tolerance takes a dive during the summer.

Most Eventful Incidents:

1. Approximately eight hour panic attack/talking down. That was just nasty. Also one of the only times I haven't been glad to see one of my cats - I actually screamed when he came up behind me. I swear I'll make it up, though. Somehow.

2. My cousin getting outrageously smashed, AD the designated driver (it's why my mother originally wanted me to get a license, ironically), sordid family history, trying to hold everything together, and late night/early morning phone calls while perched on/kneeling next to my (younger) cousin's window. Oh, and the raccoon.

3. I finally let myself talk in my normal accent! Lots of drama surrounding that, but it was still awesome. I hadn't used it in years before then, so it was a huge step for me, even if I only use it with, oh, three or four people. And even then I spend half of that drifting in-and-out due to awkwardness or shifting to something more like an Irish accent because it's easier to understand and a little more identifiable.

Top Music for the Summer:

1. Constellation's Crew - Back to Sea. It's a collection of sea shanties and the like, but other than a few songs, it's really well done, very traditional. And it has the best rendition of "Farewell to Nova Scotia" I've ever heard.

2. Maxïmo Park - A Certain Trigger and Our Earthly Pleasures. I can't really explain why I like them so much, but that's pretty much all that's been playing on my computer these past few weeks . They're really catchy, even when the songs are depressing.

3. Flogging Molly - Float. For some reason, I hadn't listened to any songs from this album prior to this summer and I'm so glad I finally did. I almost forgot how much I love their music.
Top Books:

1. An Anthology of Irish Literature compiled by David H. Greene. Nothing particularly special, but it covers a lot and has some really wonderful translations, especially on the songs and poems. I salvaged this from the school library last year (They were going to throw it out! Can you imagine?) and I'm really, really glad to have done so.

2. Magic Street by Orson Scott Card. Okay, this author amazes me no matter what he's writing. There are so many elements at play in this novel and I really love the characters. It's really, really fantastic. Not my favorite novel of his, but still wonderful. There's Shakespeare, magic, and real life.

3. My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. (Yes, this was on my reading list before the movie (which I'm not going to see) came out.) It was very well written and though there were way too many subplots and I had a few doubts about the characterization, the end really grabbed me. Life is anything but predictable, after all.
Top Movies:

1. Star Trek (2009). I hadn't wanted to see this until I'd had a chance to watch some of the earlier series, but I got talked into going and it was awesome. Not as much technobabble as I would have liked and I have some serious questions about their black hole logic, but still. I kind of want to go see it again.

2. The Five Doctors. Yes, the Doctor Who movie. Okay, so I found it online, but it was actually kind of awesome. I'm a geek for stuff like this though. And it only serves to prove that The Doctor will always make me laugh.

3. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. So there were parts that were massive fail, but I still think they did a nice job with the adaption. Loved the more background characters (Devon and Matt in particular made me smile in their brief apperances), and I adored Evanna Lynch's Luna even more (and might have used it to brush up on my impression). Best line of the whole movie? "But I am the Chosen One."
Top Newly Discovered Characters:

1. Icarus Utterson, daydverse. I just started to delve into his character this summer and just... wow. Talk about a character who's done more for the world than himself. He's this odd combination of sweet normality, emotional wreck, scared kid, distant scholar, and systematic functions. (Did that last one even make sense to anyone other than me?)

2. Ianto Jones, Torchwood. Rather dark, a bit sardonic and deadpan, strong despite a fair ton of emotional pain, a stopwatch, and, to quote Jack, he looks good in a suit. I mean, he kicks ass and makes a good cup of coffee? Who wouldn't like him?

3. The Tenth Doctor, Doctor Who. I didn't really care for him at first, but now that I've been watching again (via the internet, due to a lack of cable), I really like him. He's just a fun character and I love the technobabble. He's very good at balancing the quirky, lighthearted attitude with the darker, damaged, ancient Time Lord. Just wonderful. I'm going to miss him.

Top Reccs:

1. daydverse audiobook! Go listen! It's absolutely fabulous and there are some extremely talented actors and actresses (I'm not quite sure how I ended up in there, but still. It's fun.)

2. Cupcake Camp! It's a bit dorky and random but I enjoyed the one I attended. It was fabulous, with lots of cupcake love. Apparently cupcakes are what will unite the world.

3. Ice Tea. It's very tasty and perfect for summer. Grab your kettle (If you have one, you should use it, really. There's something really nice about using one.), a few bags of your favorite tea, a pitcher, lots of ice, and whatever else you like. A bit addicting, though.

Pointless? Maybe. Still, I enjoyed typing that up. Granted, that doesn't even begin to cover all that happened, but even so. Here's to hoping you enjoyed as well.

How strange... and a meme!

2009-08-21T04:49:17Z

It's odd. For the first time ever, really, I genuinely really wish I had a friend around just to talk with. I mean, of course I like talking with friends and I'll occasionally get a bit pouty if they aren't available or haven't called/written in a few weeks, but I usually don't feel lonely. Well, not so much lonely as just... wanting to chat, discuss, and whathaveyou. You know, I blame LJ for this - it's much easier to find people I want to talk to around here.

But anyway, meme.

Ask me my fannish Top Five. Any top fives. Doesn't matter what, really! And I will answer them all below.

Meme! Five things I like/dislike.

2009-08-18T20:00:30Z

Taken from ceirdwenfc, because most of my recent postings have been depressing. I'm keeping her format of five things I like and five I dislike starting with the letter 'L'.

Things I like:

1. Lyrics - Music makes me happy!

2. London - A lot of Doctor Who takes place there.

3. Luna Lovegood - Very fun character to read, write, and voice act.

4. Lemon scented dish soap - Other kinds squick me (very long story).

5. Love - is all you need.

Things I dislike:

1. Laryngitis - Useful for getting out of talking to people, but still not fun.

2. Leviticus quoters - It's in the Old Testament, you can't use that to prosecute others if you're Christian.

3. Landmines - Nasty things, those.

4. Laughtracks - Very obnoxious.

5. Languishing - Kind of pathetic, if ya ask me.

Well, that was fun! Thanks for the 'L', ceirdwenfc!

Om nom nom, cup cakes

2009-08-16T03:02:17Z

Let me start off by saying that the cupcakes were wonderful. Delicious those.

For those of you not on my flist, today I went to a sort of cupcake festival in downtown Boise. (There was one going on in Belfast today too, apparently!) There were some very gorgeous and delectable cupcakes. I didn't enter any of my own, due to last minute notice. Here are some pictures! They aren't that great, as my camera sucks, but they're something. The sign fail nearly killed me!

I've also been watching Doctor Who the last few days. Is it bad that I actually gasped in delight at the correct use of the word "decimate?" Heh.

In other news, the crackers remain safe, the invisibility shield seems to be working a bit too well, and the ice tea is neatly labeled. Now if you'll excuse me, it's a lovely night out and it won't be long before I'm anxiously refreshing in wait for AP 20 over on daydverse ! Yay!

Meme - Because I seriously need to cool off

2009-08-14T04:28:15Z

So I'm fired up and wanting to smack some people upside the head. Instead, and because I can't get in touch with anyone who'd understand what I'm ranting about, I'm going to do this meme.

Stolen from, well, most people around here. Not quite sure where it started, really.

So you've just sat down to read some fanfiction.

What are the top five things that will make you hit the back button fastest?

In no particular order...

1. Blatant mechanical errors. I can handle a few spelling and/or grammar errors, but when I see "tey wer relaxin wit their boifirends, loking four complements!" I want to cry. It squicks me, seriously. "I'm doing good," or similar as well. "Good" is not the adverb you're looking for. That would be "well." Look, I can deal with a few their/they're/there problems, but I can be hyperventilating and still correct that error. (No, I'm serious, I have.)

2. Bad writing. If it reads like a preteen's diary or is just plain illegible, I'm gone. I can handle textbook level dryness, but I can't stand things that are just that awful.

3. Author's notes/comments in the middle of a fic. No, thank you, I don't want to know your personal opinions in the middle of the story. I was reading that. Save it for the end, love, along with your vocal pauses. One does not like, use "like" in, like, narration, m'kay?

4. Emotional abuse as sexy. I have a rant about it, even! Yes, I know the character is badass and it's awesome that he or she hasn't succumed to the emotional torture of his or her childhood. But it's really not sexy. Saying it is makes you look like an idiot and I'm out of there in less than a second.

5. Anachronisms. If Harry Potter is cutting to Simple Plan, if Ender's using a BlackBerry, if Legolas is using brand-name shampoo (Since everyone seems obsessed with Movielas, who is just as OOC as Filmamir, but that's a rant for another time), you bet your butt I'm out of there.

Well, that was fun! Anyone have any other good ones?

Well, I did say there would be art...

2009-08-10T22:30:06Z

I know, I know. You're thinking "Actually, AD, I'm here for your wit and rants!" (Yeah, right) or "I'm looking for fic, something you're sorely lacking in!" or "But I've just stumbled over your journal!" Oh well. Continue on if you wish, but this is the post in which AD illustrates why she doesn't really show off her drawings. But I said there would likely be art, so...

Okay, so I just started sketching and here's how it turned out. I can't say I'm too happy with it, because the build and facial features are off (many, many more hours of study are needed here.), but I had fun with the jacket and hair, so I guess it's okay. Trust me, he's more awesome in writing than in art... especially my art.

But AD, you say, you... really can't draw. Well, no, not all that well. Some of my things turn out okay, but there's a reason I say I'm a writer, not an artist. Just to prove why, here are a few other things. You can find them here.

And an attempt at profile (with shading!)

And what happens when I try anything with color.

See? That's why.

Yup. Fail. Which is why I'll be sticking with fic from now on.

Ignorance may be bliss, but it's not an excuse.

2009-08-04T00:19:58Z

Okay, so there's this character. I'll call him W. Why? Because W is a nice letter.

W has been emotionally abused/neglected. Severely. To the point where friendship, love, and the concept of being wanted result in Error 404 - Page Not Found messages. W's past is delved into, implied, or written out in exquisite detail. Apparently, W's past is sexy. Or makes W sexy or adorable or something.

What. The. Fuck.

If W had been physically or sexually abused to the same degree, people would have called the author a sick, horrible, twisted, God-forsaken bastard or started sobbing right there and then because it's just... awful.

But nooooooo, it's emotional abuse, so it's sexy. No. Just no.

I understand that large majority of fic readers in this fandom don't understand emotional abuse. I'm very glad they don't understand. But at the same time, it really pisses me off.

If a character, as a child, freaks out over kindness, flinches at contact because it's not something they've experienced, thinks themself worthless, pathetic, unwanted, and so on, that's just horrible. It's sad, awful, depressing, etc. Not. Sexy. No way in hell, heaven, or anything in between.

How obviously must it be laid out? Maybe I'm biased, but I honestly don't get it. It's not cute, it's not wonderful that there is finally someone who understands the character, that he/she has a family. No, just no. Especially when the point was that the character was emotionally abused to a degree that should shoot your blood pressure through the roof.

*Deep breath.* Yes, I know that W is an amazing character in the end, but that does not mean that W's childhood was not horribly fucked up. Oh, wait, W didn't have a childhood.

And it's not just one fandom, either. I can think of three or four fandoms off the top of my head where fans find the emotional trauma sexy. It's not, it's really, really not. Especially when it's such a real life issue. You know your horrendously shy nephew? The girl in your English class who stares at you blankly when you say something to her? Your college dormmate who gives you a tight smile and says that no, he's not spending Christmas with his family? That one guy who seriously Error 404s when you tell him how awesome he is? Yeah, guess why.

It's not sexy there, is it? Then why is it sexy with W?

I'm very sorry if anyone finds themselves offended, but it's not directed at anyone in particular. *Sighs.* It's a bit of a hot button issue for me.

-- AD

Huh. I guess things just work that way...

2009-07-31T01:37:23Z

So things have been odd lately.

On the bad side:

- Still on the three weeks of fail. No, really. Including the near breakdown and cringing over dishsoap.

- Major back pain (crying and swearing worthy. No idea how I'll sleep tonight...), moderate rib, knee, and hip pain, and my feet and ankles are fucked to high heaven. No, really, ~1.5 mile walk and they're bright red, aching, and painful.

- I think I've managed to screw up my relationship, though I'm waiting for advice on that. Not that it'd be all bad, but... Ugh, I dunno. See? Advice needed.

- Other than a piece of chicken the night before last, I've been relying on sugar and carbs to keep me running.

On the good side:

- I think I may have semi-repaired a friendship today. Is much yay.

- Things are looking up in general - I have hope, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, etc.

- Faith. That is all that needs be said. <3

On the other hand... ASKFDING MOTHER OF-!! My back!

Excuse me, I'm going to go die in painfulness now.

Okay, limited update today...

2009-07-27T17:23:52Z

I've been a bit busy lately. And by busy, I mean nearly three weeks of consecutive issues (ick!). It all came to a head the night before last with a very un-awesome panic attack. I hate those freakin' things. I now feel like an awful person for keeping A up on the phone from 2:30 in the morning until 10:30 in the morning.

So, anyway, I finally hit the adreneline crash and went to bed. Woke up seven hours later to a very not happy mother who wanted to know why the hell I was up at three in the morning. I told her it was a panic attack (What the hell is a panic attack?!), no A hadn't caused it, no it wasn't about the boyfriend, yes A was helping of his own free will, and yes, I'm going to bed early because I feel like I've been hit in the head several times with my brother's school bag (yes, this has happened before.)

Stayed up about seven or so hours then went back to bed. I didn't wake up until about twelve hours later. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat, drink so orange juice (yum!), and find something stomachable for breakfast.

... But <3 for God. Because while He may work in mysterious and aggravating ways, He also makes sure that things work out perfectly.

New icons are the pretty!

2009-07-25T19:36:29Z

I now understand how people can have over one hundred of them. Obviously, the wings are still my default, but I do have so really cool new ones. Horray!

... No, I'm totally normal, what are you talking about?

Some days unhealthy coping methods would be lovely...

2009-07-20T02:29:05Z

But, alas, I do not function as such. On the plus side, I suppose, the kitchen is cleaned up (including the floor! Though, considering my knee issues, crawling around with a sponge on the floor may not have been smart either.) Clean kitchens are good... and mean that I can eat again! (Though I haven't, really...)

At the moment it's just me and the kitties, which is very, very lovely. And, of course, the music. I'm not a huge blues fan, but this song... It's so interesting - it's Irish/Indian and yes, it is as odd as it sounds. Isn't it facsinating? It almost reminds me of another folk-ish song, which is a little bit more odd. It's rather odd, isn't it? So, yes, music oddness.

I am feeling better today (frayed at the edges rather than in pieces), though I have had to explain things to slightly concerned RL friends. *sigh* Writing. Yes, there will be writing at some point. I have no idea when.

Though my social skills are worse than those of a cantalope, I may end up chatting with someone tonight. That's a good thing, I think?

There are no limits to the stupidity...

2009-07-09T05:44:22Z

People who mess up children out of pure stupidity are morons. People who know they should not have children (and have nature working against them!) and have them anyway are complete. F-ing. Morons.

My childhood mantra was "at least I'm not living in a cubbord under the stairs." I have since learned that there are worse things - at least the closet was his.

At the moment, my mother and brother are fighting (that boy... I swear he was born to be a con-man.), my laptop (containing almost all of my music and files not backed up on my flash drive) will not read the driver, I managed to annoy the only person who might have cared about my oh so tragic circumstances, and, oh, yes, I'm leaving for the land of limited internet and no MS Word for nine days - not to mention the family.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should create an imaginary friend. Books are lovely, but they don't talk back. FML. Just... FML.

'Twould be very nice to get a phone call tonight. But, alas, alack, and woe... that's not going to happen. On that note, brain chemistry imbalance? Unpleasant. I do not like being an angry, depressed jerk. I like being a rational, pleasantly cynical jerk.

This is NOT an AD friendly holiday.

2009-07-05T07:23:06Z

I don't mind holidays. We have a love hate relationship. Love the free time, hate the social pleasantries (My word, people, 'tis not hard to see that I would prefer to be left alone!). Christmas, especially - love the idea, love the Jesus, love the love... hate the posturing, hate the falsness, and hate the relatives.

That aside, there are a few holidays I wish would just ignore me. Those being the Fourth of July and New Year's. Why? Well, other than the "OMG PARTY OBLIGATION" and "No, you can't hide in your room, you will be social and you will like it," there are fireworks. Oh, yes, they're pretty, sparklers are the best part of being a Harry Potter fan, and you get to watch morons set themselves on fire. Lovely.

However... I read books. Lots of books. I write, and I write military/paramilitary characters. I have this lovely talent of getting inside their heads and living everything they have. Yes, everything. So if Johnny McSoldier has been shot, been in a firefight, been in an explosion, I've lived it, at least on some level. Lound noises remind Johnny of war. Loud noises remind me of the same. Loud, sudden explosions accompanied by bursts of light (or even not) make me either 1) jump, 2) freeze up, or 3) duck for cover and quite possible panic.

It's not funny. It's not pretty. AD really, really does not like this holiday. It makes AD want to curl up in her bed and cry all day. It wears on AD's nerves and she's too hyperaware to actually sleep. It should also be noted that you should never, ever, let AD drive on 4th/NY's nights - I am distracted, disoriented, and 20 miles an hour feels more like 35.

AD could use some love and cuddling and reassurance. Unfortunately, the only person allowed to cuddle AD on a regular basis is out of town and wouldn't be around anyway due to a love for all things shiny and destructive. AD will likely not go to church in the morning because those askfding people like hugging AD from behind and I refuse to have a panic attack at church again. Apparently the hyperventilating, tears, and flipping out are not obvious tip offs. (AD also types in third person when upset because she's freakin' weird like that, if you hadn't noticed.)

On another, more pleasant note!

I finished Ariadne's Thread, the follow up to Wax Wings over on daydverse. Maybe not that impressive, but I put a hella lot of time and effort into that story and I, for one, think I actually managed to do somethign almost right for once. This, of course, has nothing to do with getting writer love from my best writing friend, though I've come to expect it and it's only on Important Stories that it bugs me.

And on less...

My laptop is broken. Brokeded. It will not go past the startup screen. I get BSOD'd and kicked off. I am going off to the land of mandatory relative visits and no internet in five days and if I do not have my computer, I will cry. I will sob with all the power of a stranded, hormonal teenage girl and then I will bewail my lack of anything to do. Or I will read. While crying. Simultaneously. Why?

Because my relatives and I do not get along. My aunt is, in the kindest description, a bitch (ever heard of a feckin' self fulfilling prophacy? No feckin' duh your son will end up like his dad if his dad's the only one who shows him any affection), my grandma's just as bad, my father and I... well, let's say we don't always agree, etc., etc. And, oh, yes, there will be nine days of "AD, you are a horrible, awful person and are arrogant and should be nicer and spend more time with us and be more social and what the heck is wrong with you, child?"

Anyway. Sory about the rant - I'm tired but can't sleep and this seemed as good a time as any to express my feelings on these matters.

... I still need a hug. Verbal or otherwise...

DAYD Father's Day Quickie - Seamus and Thomas

2009-06-21T23:19:11Z

There was no doubt in Seamus' mind that he loved children. Cecily held a place in his heart dear as any of the DA and even with the sentence still in place, he'd do his damnedest be a proper father for her. 'Twas the least he could do, after all - for her, for her mam, for her da as well.

But a child of his own? Oh, but a child of his own. How would he raise a son (Because but for the lingering doubt, he could not but agree with those who said the child would be his son?)Aye, there was telling to be done in days in the future, but what to say? What to do even, about the future so far ahead? By the time he would be done with his sentence, his son would soon be heading off for Hogwarts and all that lay in store.

But underneath, oh, underneath, lay an even deeper fear. What if he were to be like his own father? He knew from his mam that his da'd been as pleased as any 'afore Seamus was born. But unlike Neville (whose da was more of a prisoner than even he) or Harry (who'd never know his da), he knew that there were things that could make a man leave his own wife and children.

And knowing his love for his son, not yet born, he could not even contemplate leaving him, not for the world nor freedom. So what then, he wondered, had caused his own father such hatred and lead him to such betrayal?

... Worse yet, what horrors yet unseen could tempt him to do the same? What could make him even consider leaving his family? None that he could think of, but oh, there was something that had never crossed his mind. And what if he made the wrong choice when it came down to the line?

Yet when he held his son - his son! - in his arms for the first time, he felt that there was nothing that could possibly make him give up his family. And he knew that it was but pride and force of will that kept him from crying - how, how could Patrick Finnigan have hated his own family so? - but...

But for now, life was a miracle and his own tiny son, his Thomas, was that miracle. It almost made his demons worth it. No, he thought, as Cecily tugged at his trouser leg, begging to see, it was worth it.